I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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