All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
