Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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