I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
