the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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