It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
