Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize