you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
