i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
