I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
