btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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