The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
