Umm I'm too high to move.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
