at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
