If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
