i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
