textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
