I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
