I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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