Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
