So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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