i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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