I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
