Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
