I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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