Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
