Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Less talking, more tequila
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize