Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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