Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
