my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
