He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
this is an emotional support booty call
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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