swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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