i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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