He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
