You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
