ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
