Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize