He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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