Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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