alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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