There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Randomize
