I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
