i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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