ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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