You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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