So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
