We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Randomize
