she kept yelling 'call me bella'
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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