another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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