my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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