People with herpes should wear stickers.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
