I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
