I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
