My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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