Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
