Your favorite bartender is back from prision
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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