note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
