Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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