When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
