I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
