he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
