Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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