bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
