I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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