you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
