Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
