Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
