Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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