aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
You ate ashes out of my bong
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
