Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize