Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
