here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
