That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Apparently you make a good broom.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
