If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
