threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
