Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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