And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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